A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there."But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
FIVE AFRICAN SURGEONS
Five African surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.
The first, Kenyan surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second, Ugandan responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians ! Everything inside is numbered.”
The third, Rwandan says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth, Congolese chimes in,”You know, I like construction workers….those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”
But the fifth a Tanzanian surgeon shuts them all up when he says, “ You are all wrong!! Politicians are the easiest to operate. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable.”
Dear World:
We, the United States of America, your top quality supplier of the ideals
of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008
interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year
service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced
November 4.
Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now
operating correctly, and we expect to be fully functional on January 20.
We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to
resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you
for your patience and understanding.
Sincerely,
The United States Of America
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially
inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the
happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when
I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess...
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"!
Jeremy Clarkson On Motorbikes ...
Recently, various newspapers ran a photograph of me on a small motorcycle.
They all pointed out that I hate motorbikes and that by riding one I had
exposed myself as a hypocrite who should commit suicide immediately.
Hmmm. Had I been photographed riding the local postmistress, then, yes, I'd
have been shamed into making some kind of apology. But it was a motorcycle.
And I don't think it even remotely peculiar that a motoring journalist
should ride such a thing. Not when there is a problem with the economy and
many people are wondering if they should make a switch from four wheels to
two.
Unfortunately, you cannot make this switch on a whim, because this is
Britain and there are rules. Which means that before climbing on board you
must go to a car park, put on a high-visibility jacket and spend the
morning driving round some cones while a man called Dave - all motorcycle
instructors are called Dave - explains which lever does what.
Afterwards, you will be taken on the road, where you will drive about for
several hours in a state of abject fear and misery, and then you will go
home and vow never to get on a motorcycle ever again.
This is called compulsory basic training and it allows you to ride any bike
up to 125cc. If you want to ride something bigger, you must take a proper
test. But, of course, being human, you will not want a bigger bike, because
then you will be killed immediately while wearing clothing from the Ann
Summers "Dungeon" range.
Right, first things first. The motorbike is not like a car. It will not
stand up when left to its own devices. So, when you are not riding it, it
must be leant against a wall or a fence. I'm told some bikes come with
footstools which can be lowered to keep them upright. But then you have to
lift the bike onto this footstool, and that's like trying to lift up an
American.
Next: the controls. Unlike with a car, there seems to be no standardisation
in the world of motorcycling. Some have gearlevers on the steering wheel.
Some have them on the floor, which means you have to shift with your feet -
how stupid is that? - and some are automatic.
Then we get to the brakes. Because bikes are designed by bikers - and
bikers, as we all know, are extremely dim - they haven't worked out how the
front and back brake can be applied at the same time. So, to stop the front
wheel, you pull a lever on the steering wheel, and to stop the one at the
back, you press on a lever with one of your feet.
A word of warning, though. If you use only the front brake, you will fly
over the steering wheel and be killed. If you try to use the back one, you
will use the wrong foot and change into third gear instead of stopping. So
you'll hit the obstacle you were trying to avoid, and you'll be killed.
Then there is the steering. The steering wheel comes in the shape of what
can only be described as handlebars, but if you turn them - even slightly -
while riding along, you will fall off and be killed. What you have to do is
lean into the corner, fix your gaze on the course you wish to follow, and
then you will fall off and be killed.
As far as the minor controls are concerned, well . . . you get a horn and
lights and indicators, all of which are operated by various switches and
buttons on the steering wheel, but if you look down to see which one does
what, a truck will hit you and you will be killed. Oh, and for some
extraordinary reason, the indicators do not self-cancel, which means you
will drive with one of them on permanently, which will lead following
traffic to think you are turning right. It will then undertake just as you
turn left, and you will be killed.
What I'm trying to say here is that, yes, bikes and cars are both forms of
transport, but they have nothing in common. Imagining that you can ride a
bike because you can drive a car is like imagining you can swallow-dive off
a 90ft cliff because you can play table tennis.
However, many people are making the switch because they imagine that having
a small motorcycle will be cheap. It isn't. Sure, the 125cc Vespa I tried
can be bought for £3,499, but then you will need a helmet (£300), a jacket
(£500), some Freddie Mercury trousers (£100), shoes (£130), a pair of
Kevlar gloves (£90), a coffin (£1,000), a headstone (£750), a cremation
(£380) and flowers in the church (£200).
In other words, your small 125cc motorcycle, which has no boot, no electric
windows, no stereo and no bloody heater even, will end up costing more than
a Volkswagen Golf. That said, a bike is much cheaper to run than a car. In
fact, it takes only half a litre of fuel to get from your house to the
scene of your first fatal accident. Which means that the lifetime cost of
running your new bike is just 50p.
So, once you have decided that you would like a bike, the next problem is
choosing which one. And the simple answer is that, whatever you select, you
will be a laughing stock. Motorbiking has always been a hobby rather than
an alternative to proper transport, and as with all hobbies, the people who
partake are extremely knowledgeable. It often amazes me that in their short
lives bikers manage to learn as much about biking as people who angle, or
those who watch trains pull into railway stations.
Whatever. Because they are so knowledgeable, they will know precisely why
the bike you select is rubbish and why theirs is superb. Mostly, this has
something to do with "getting your knee down", which is a practice
undertaken by bikers moments before the crash that ends their life.
You, of course, being normal, will not be interested in getting your knee
down; only in getting to work and most of the way home again before you
die. That's why I chose to test the Vespa, which is much loathed by
trainspotting bikers because they say it is a scooter. This is racism.
Picking on a machine because it has no crossbar is like picking on a person
because he has slitty eyes or brown skin. Frankly, I liked the idea of a
bike that has no crossbar, because you can simply walk up to the seat and
sit down. Useful if you are Scottish and go about your daily business in a
skirt.
I also liked the idea of a Vespa because most bikes are Japanese. This
means they are extremely reliable so you cannot avoid a fatal crash by
simply breaking down. This is entirely possible on a Vespa because it is
made in Italy.
Mind you, there are some drawbacks you might like to consider. The Vespa is
not driven by a chain. Instead, the engine is mounted to the side of the
rear wheel for reasons that are lost in the mists of time and unimportant
anyway. However, it means the bike is wider and fitted with bodywork like a
car, to shroud the moving hot bits. That makes it extremely heavy. Trying
to pick it up after you've fallen off it is impossible.
What's more, because the heavy engine is on the right, the bike likes
turning right much more than it likes turning left. This means that in all
left-handed bends, you will be killed.
Unless you've been blown off by the sheer speed of the thing. At one point
I hit 40mph and it was as though my chest was being battered by a
freezing-cold hurricane. It was all I could do to keep a grip on the
steering wheel with my frostbitten fingers.
I therefore hated my experience of motorcycling and would not recommend it
to anyone.
Farewell President Bush - The 'misunderestimated' president?
All politicians are prone to make slips of the tongue in the heat of the
moment - and President George W Bush has made more than most.
The word "Bushism" has been coined to label his occasional verbal lapses
during eight years in office, which come to an end on 20 January. Here are
some of his most memorable pronouncements.
ON HIMSELF
"They misunderestimated me."
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000
"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and
what I believe - I believe what I believe is right."
Rome, 22 July, 2001
"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in
Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me -
you can't get fooled again."
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002
"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the
horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001
"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He
married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas
girl, just like me."
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004
FOREIGN AFFAIRS
"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the
great and enduring alliances of modern times."
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam
Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise
himself."
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do
we."
Washington DC, 5 August, 2004
"I think war is a dangerous place." Washington DC, 7 May, 2003
"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority
of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these
people and we will bring them to justice."
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003
"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies
against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a
hat."
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004
"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war
on terror."
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006
EDUCATION
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000
"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools,
and I have met those standards."
CNN, 30 August, 2000
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy
test."
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001
ECONOMICS
"I understand small business growth. I was one."
New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, 5 May, 2000
"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From
what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001
"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers.
Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to
kill."
Washington DC, 19 May, 2003
HEALTHCARE
"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our
views on prescription drugs."
Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's
aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004
TECHNOLOGY
"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000
"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of
human cloning to come out of that chamber."
Washington DC, 10 April, 2002
"Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but
it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets."
Washington DC, 2 May, 2007
OUT OF LEFT FIELD
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005
"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting
thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last
year. Isn't that interesting?"
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006
ON GOVERNING
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who
brings people together."
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000
"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best."
Washington DC, 18 April, 2006
"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read
by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony
Blair] read it."
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December,
2006
"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone."
San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007
"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened
inside this Oval Office."
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008
Welcome President Obama
Blacks are happy; Obama was elected.
Whites are happy, OJ is in jail.
Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office.
Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole
the election.
And all of us are so happy; The election is finally over!
Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive
the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry
problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mud
slides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft,
reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict,
get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace. Then on the
7th day, He will rest.
Really, Really Bad Traffic ...
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without
losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next
thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people
trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic.
You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and
go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off...even
then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You don't even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour
traffic, smile, and let someone else's windshield wipers do all the work.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little
exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car
driving next to you.
* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now
it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper.
2010 Stadium Panic As Architects Admit Fussball-Scale Planning ...
JOHANNESBURG. The 2010 World Cup in South Africa has been plunged into
crisis as senior architects admitted this morning that they thought they
were building stadia for the 2010 Fussball World Cup. Addressing the media
this morning the designers said that they had been shown "very small
models" by local organizers, and had scaled their blueprints accordingly.
Lead architect Dexter Scaffold-Flange conceded that the misunderstanding
was "fairly serious" but defended his team, saying that when they had first
been briefed on stadium specifications all documentation had been laid out
on a boardroom tabletop which had "set the tone of the meeting".
"They could have done it on the floor," said Scaffold-Flange. "Or, if they
were really professional, in a big concrete amphitheatre, to give us a few
visual clues about what the event entailed.
"Instead they did it on a tabletop. I cannot stress this enough."
He added that there had been "lots of little plastic soccer players" on the
tabletop, which had further compounded the confusion.
However when pressed he conceded that they might have been some bottles of
Tip-Ex used by the Local Organizing Committee's accounts department and a
can of Stoney ginger beer.
He said an "already highly confusing environment" had been further
complicated by the accents around the table.
"The Germans were saying 'Fussball', and Danny Jordaan isn't exactly
crystal clear on his hard consonants," said Scaffold-Flange.
"At the end of the day it was an easy mistake to make. A very, very bad
mistake, but an easy one nonetheless."
He denied that the error was a disaster on a grand scale, saying that
construction so far had been on a very small scale.
"It's mostly about one one-hundredth scale," he said.
Asked why so many of the country's 2010 stadia seemed to be full-sized
venues, he explained that this was an "unfortunate, and in light of the
current crisis, a fairly upsetting, ruse".
"We thought they wanted the 80,000 seats to sort of big the whole thing up
a bit," he said, before confirming that the seats in all venues were
cardboard cutouts as they had been basing their designs on a projected
turnout of about 50 people, mostly male students, who would stand around
the Fussball table in the middle of the stadium.
"That's why the outer shells are plywood," said Scaffold-Flange. "Less
expensive, you see."
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known make out spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The
cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by
this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the
driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says :"I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some
extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few
days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she
was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that
she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the
whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's
just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take
a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard
and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with
hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,"
replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and
see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared
the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the
bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed
Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her
job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe
her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in
and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the
model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked
pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed
to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen
me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her
thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her
husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into
the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded
with rubies.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,
"No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are
you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with
Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I
then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the
best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so
THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and
we're sticking to it.
An elderly man was on the operating table in a hospital preparing for
surgery. He had insisted that his son, a well known surgeon, perform the
surgery.
As he was getting drowsy from the meds, he said to his son, 'Don't be
nervous, son. Do your best. Just remember: if the surgery doesn't go well,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,
such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
"disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells
him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some
people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and
some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his
theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he
says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches
his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their
identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
May have seen this, but listening to those asinine atheists clammoring for
attention on the various talk shows-----this would have been appropriate
there too and got to admit, it made me feel better.
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class
that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are
real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15
minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm
still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240
pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him
full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.
The professor struggled, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter
with you? Why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when
finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.
She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the
men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those f*cking lessons I
took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You
should have been taking golf lessons instead."
A medical professor was lecturing about self-examination Of the breast andtesticles.
A female student asked another male student, "Do you ever get an erection when you do a self-examination of yourtesticles?" "Sometimes, yes" replied the male student. "What do you do about it?" She then asked. "No thing, why?" She thought for a while then said, "You mean you go around with a Hardpenis all day?" "Err, no" he replied "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?" "Of course" "I'm going to kill my husband!"
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist asa precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a verypretty female doctor. The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but thisnew procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. Iwant you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I checkyour prostate, take a deep breath and say 99. The guy obeys and says 99. The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on yourleft side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say99.' Again, the guy says 99. The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I wantyou to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to checkyour prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold onto your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99. The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize thathe must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before itgoes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to dois help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is whyhe wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learnfrom his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going togive this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and notlive his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. Wejust want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. Thechicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see thesatellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roadstogether, in peace.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only crossroads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance yourcheck book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This newplatform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the roadmove beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is yourdefinition of chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None. They try to fix the old one. "We looked at the light fixture anddecided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite itfrom scratch. Could you wait two months?" How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?None. "We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem." How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?"You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb objectwould inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!" How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb?One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?Seventy two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to writeWinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ... How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the lightbulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator tomake sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001,Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pagesstate only "This page intentionally left blank". How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Differences ... Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?A: A genealogist looks up the family tree, and a gynecologist looks up thefamily bush. Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?A: They both make you wait an hour for a five minute ride. Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?A: A pick pocket snatches watches. Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?A: It's not hard. Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?A: Because it might lead to dancing. Q: What is the difference between a woman and a computer?A: A woman will not take a 3.5 inch floppy. Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Life's Mysteries ... Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles arealways white? Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes thatsomething new to eat will have materialized? On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How manypieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in thatslot? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuumcleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to givetheir vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not thenwhat was the purpose of the bath? Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying yourclothes would they eventually just disappear? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shoppingcart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn'tall right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'? Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top youalways think there's still one more step? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling offthe table you always manage to knock something else over? Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickupis how close to the road the stuff is placed? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer whenwe complained about the heat? Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men? Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering whatthe heck happened? If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, whoreally is the dumber sex? Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just asneedy throughout the rest of the year? Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deepwounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathlyill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food? Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sensein two people remembering the same things right? Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have tolive with women? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wifetold you to?
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, waswalking down a street in Cape Town, when all of a sudden the South-Easterlifts her skirt. Gatip, standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!" Gatip replied "And I can check you ain't one, neither!"
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note"Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance andgoes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts to do a bit of 'self-service'. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops hergrocery bags, runs over and gives him the bl*wj*b of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen. The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where hefinds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a suddenyou come in...... what happened?!". To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I wouldrather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
Ten Commandments of Marriage ... Commandment 1:Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning... Commandment 2:If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to everyword you say, talk in your sleep... Commandment 3:Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4:Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, theman speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the womanspeaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak andthe neighbors listen... Commandment 5:When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure ofone thing: Either the car is new or the wife is... Commandment 6:Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble startswhen they try to decide which one... Commandment 7:Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking aboutsomething you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before youfinish... Commandment 8:Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife... Commandment 9:Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wifetreats husband like toxic waste... Commandment 10:A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished...
Distinguished young woman
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priestbeside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course my child. What may I dofor you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother'sbirthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraidthey'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customsfor me? Under your robes perhaps?" The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you" When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The officialasked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you haveto declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but whichis, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next
Some friends and I were visiting a nearby city for a football game and oneof the friends was drinking prior to and during the game. By the time we went to dinner after the game he was "feeling no pain." Our attractive waitress was wearing a low cut blouse and when she asked himwhat he wanted he said, "I want to get into your pants." She replied, "You'll have to wait your turn, sir, there's already oneasshole in there." A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket outwhen they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear afaint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony isheld, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out thecasket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watchthat wall!" My dadOne day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 3years old and had just recovered from a nasty fall. Someone had given mea little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news when Ibrought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which of course, was just water. Afterseveral cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom camehome. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup oftea because it was 'just the cutest thing!'. My Mom waited, and sureenough,here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watchedhim drink it all up. Then she said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that childcan reach to get water, is the toilet.??"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some importantguests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to beperfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have anysnails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to thebeach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to thebeach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful womanstrolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He keptthinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come downand talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing rightover him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. Theyended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! Mywife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the wayto his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such ahurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket ofsnails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then,with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he's beenall this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, thenback at the snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Fourth of JulyThe Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took theopportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a greatcountry," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in thiscountry, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stoodwith his hands on his hips and said... "I'm not free. I'm four." men in a pickup truckSome men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walkedin the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned andsaid, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer pausedfor a minute and said, "I'd better go check."After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time.We're gonna build a house."Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitatedwith him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy himself, like joina club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I justwent down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys. Oh yeah, I joined aparachute club also." "What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to startparachuting?" "Yeah, look. I even got a membership card." "Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!" "OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and abeautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had justbeen reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in aterrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and thatshe'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be herbest day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shopsbefore heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with acup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop.She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to thehospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband'scondition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finishedyour shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While youwere out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husbandhas been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you wentahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shoppingtrip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'llnow be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He'sdead. What did you buy?'
Types Of Men You Might Meet In The Men's Room EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not. CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is wa tching, flushes urinal and comes backlater. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the loor. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly orbug. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man inthe next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: Stands very clos e for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both. FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat. A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself,and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he wasstuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistantwho worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter'swork too much. Still, after a while, Walter began to long for femalecompanionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get acouple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keepthem shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies,but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all theway to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate,so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinkingray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air hadcleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before. "What's the big idea? ...... Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashedhim flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows:You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was reallyangry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BETHERE!! " The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke upshe looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped inthe middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and broughtthe box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him .Banquet of Tom and Susan'sAt the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was askedto give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of suchlong duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderfulyears with your wife?" Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher ofall. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint,forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed ifyou'd stayed single." Jolly Good
