Roger og kone paa besoeg.Effect on skin colour
IF YOU SEE A BLACKMANRUNNING.....he's being chased by the police!
IF YOU SEE AWHITEMANRUNNING.......he's just exercising!
IF YOU SEE AN INDIANMANRUNNING......he's got a sale in his shop, so he's in a hurry to open the store!
IF YOU SEE A COLOUREDRUNNING........The bottle store is about to close!
And if you see aCHINESErunning? Kiti moto is about to finish..
WHAT IS YOUR WISH?
What?s your wish today?
Mugabe was sitting with Tsvangirayi and Mutambara in Saudi Arabia , sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them.They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!"Mutambara thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was donebut the pillow lasted 10 lashes.Mugabe saw this and said: "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.
Tsvangirayi saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "As you are from the most popular party of Zimbabwe with all the wealth and you share the same ethnicity with Barack Obama, you are permitted to have two wishes!" Tsvangirayi thought for a second, then said:"Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available.""If you so desire," the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?""Tie Mugabe to my back." Bongo land news
Marriage Software - Just for laughs but true
*Marriage Software*
This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst (Marriage Software Division): Dear Systems Analyst, I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help? ...
AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID: Dear Customer, This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support andSolicitors' Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system. It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.
BEST WISHES! Yours, Systems Analyst. Patrick, Kavuma don't stop the preparations to upgrade......
Life lessons,... real good!
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
________________________________
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
________________________________
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the storyAlways let your boss have the first say.
________________________________
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
________________________________
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
________________________________
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive.doc
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractivewoman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman andsaid,"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, anddecided to send a reply note. Having written a quick reply, she asked thewaiter to take it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept thisbottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars inthe bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own inreturn. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to returnthis to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a FerrariMaranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.There is over twenty million sterling in my bank account. But, not even fora woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my willy. Justsend the bottle back."
Wealthy Old Lady
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddlesdiscovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard headingrapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing somebones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on thebones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about toleap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look ofterror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says theleopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearbytree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle seeshim heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that somethingmust be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beansand strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that connivingcanine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back andthinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sitsdown with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me anotherleopard!
The Beer Prayer
Our lagerWhich art in barrels
Hallowed by they drink
Thy will be drunk(As I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter and the lager
For ever and everBarmen
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gesturesalluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his facecloser to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running herhands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, runningher forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple ofher fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or papertowels in the ladies room and I had to use my bare hands."
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent when you go tosettlement in your new home:
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home'sgarden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps theancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'mtold that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer'bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it wouldreach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in thepresence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessionsright next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was neveractually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
Holiday Greetings to Everyone,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes foran environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the (summer or winterdepending upon which hemisphere you are in) solstice holiday, practisedwith the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secularpractices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasionsand/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious orsecular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendaryear 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of othercultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great(not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any othercountry) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physicalability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freelytransferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies nopromise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her /himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable atthe sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform asexpected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of oneyear or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichevercomes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish orissuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer:No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significantnumber of electrons might have been slightly inconvenienced.
Chrismass wishes
c Where did the year go? Suddenly it is December and nearly January......again and we realize that with giant strides we started in January and within a blink of an eye, 2008 is on its back! A big "Thank You" to you, for the huge impact you had on my life this year. Especially for all the support and e-mails I received.......without you, I'm sure that 2008 would have been extremely boring. From my side I wish you all a miraculousFestive Season filled with Loving Wishes and Beautiful Thoughts. May 2009 mark the beginning of a Tidal Wave of Love, Happiness and Bright Futures. And to those who need someone special, may you find that true love To those who need money, may your finances overflow To those who need caring, may you find a good heart To those who need friends, may you meet lovely people To those who need life, may you find GOD Should you be driving during this time.....please take care!<
Rodger Senti
Ingen kommentarer:
Send en kommentar